I’m sitting in my home office, my desk covered with four different Bibles used during my weekly work-at-home day of Bible study development. One of these Bible’s is my wife’s old hardback NIV that the publisher released with the cover mistakenly printed upside down. Gosh, how goofy I would feel using a Bible in church with the cover upside down. People would think I was just playing church if they looked at me. We bought a Bible cover for it to cover its deficiency, otherwise it’s just unusable, isn’t it?

That Bible got soaked in a rainstorm many years ago. Many of its pages are wrinkled and crinkled. I think someone spilled tea on it. There are big brown blotches on a lot of the pages. I use it for reference once in a while, but heavens no; I would never use it in public; it’s a mess.

Then there’s my ESV. I like that translation though I confess I still prefer the NASB. I bought my ESV last year on a trip in the States. It’s got a sleek super-soft cover and feels cool. It’s almost frictionless! Yes, isn’t that what a Bible is all about? Of course the corners are now turned up a bit. Darn it. I like my books in good condition. Don’t you know it’s a sin to open a book more than 90 degrees? What? You fold over your cover ALL THE WAY! You blasphemous pig! You could go to hell for that! What is wrong with you?

That ESV is okay, but the upturned corners really bug me. I’m not anal. No I’m not. I’m not.

No. I’m. Not.

Shut up.

My Big Blue NASB, now that’s my favorite. My mother-in-law gave it to me and I’ve never had a Bible I’ve cherished more. Big text, great margins, good study notes. Nice leather. Best of all it’s heavier than a 50 pound bag of concrete! Perfect for smacking my opponents with in a debate! But heck, it’s starting to look just a little worn. I can’t have that! How can anyone in his right mind use a copy of God’s word that isn’t kept in pristine condition? Isn’t that disrespectful to God? Don’t be dissin’ the word fool!

Suddenly it all comes into perspective for me as I read over a report from our Steppe-by-Steppe team just back from a two-week stint in the countryside showing movies and teaching Bible studies to thousands of attendees. In one community they met a lady who didn’t have a copy of the Bible. But she desperately wanted one.

Desperately.

In the Mongolian countryside it’s not like you can just run down to the local Barnes & Noblebaatar and pick one up. God’s word is rare, to say nothing of being so precious. So one day she walked into a public outhouse to relieve herself, looked down the hole at the muck and the crap and a caught a glimpse of a Bible that someone had thrown down the pit. Immediately she thought that this would be her opportunity to own a Bible for herself. Her long hope to have her own copy of God’s word had been fulfilled.

That old woman crawled down into the muck, and the urine, and the crap, retrieved that Bible, cleaned it off, and it is now her own treasured copy of God’s very word.

I’ve heard and read claims that countryside Mongolians are deeply committed to their Buddhist or Animistic beliefs. Certainly for many that is true. But there is also a deep hunger for something far greater than the shallow and superstitious that is so often peddled here as wisdom. It’s hunger so great that some, like the woman in this story, will go to any length—or any depth—just to have a chance to hold God’s word in their hands. They want God to speak to them, and are willing to do anything, ANYTHING to have a chance for God to speak to them through his word.

Just a chance. ANY depth.

So here I sit looking at my desk and my myriad of Bibles, study books, and reference materials. I still prefer my Big Blue NASB. But honestly, I don’t know that I’d crawl down the bottom of the public toilet to retrieve it. Reading this woman’s story makes me ashamed. Then I realize that for all my 25 years in Christ I often lose the simplicity of being nothing more than so hungry for God’s word that sometimes, just sometimes, nothing else matters.

Nothing. Else. Matters.

Suddenly those crinkled pages and the upside down cover don’t look so bad. You know, they are kind of endearing now that I think about it. The leather corners that are turned up? That’s because it’s been USED. Maybe one day I can get them to point to the sky? My Big Blue? It’s got a few of its own crinkles along with my oily fingerprints mixed with Mongolian dust blowing through the window, but that’s okay. It’s still God’s word, and God’s word is worth every effort, every sacrifice, and even the lowest abasement to attain, cherish, and obey its life changing truth.

“There’s a sucker reborn every minute.”

“Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen” (Hebrews 11:1). This verse has been dancing around my head recently because of a conversation my daughter and I had after a faith preacher came to town to offer healing to whomever wanted to come forward for their miracle.

The Word of Faith brand of Christianity is quite popular in Mongolia. If you are a preacher who claims to heal or do miracles you’ll find an easy audience here. Word of Faith theology is a form of heresy, that is, it is predicated upon ideas foreign to the Bible so that the biblical text is reinterpreted apart from its historical intent to bring meaning to the scriptures that detract from its central themes. Word of Faith theology is part of the Charismatic wing of evangelicalism. Not all charismatics are Word of Faith oriented, though Word of Faith ideas do have a significant influence on the charismatic movement today. Some have described Word of Faith theology as charismatic Christianity turned into charismania.

I got to thinking about these things again because of the predilection by Word of Faith preachers (I scarce call them teachers) to claim that miracles and healing can come to you “if you only believe.” I have dealt with this issue more than once in these previous articles:

• A Step of Faith in the Wrong Direction
• Nobody Likes a Dead Jesus
• The Necessity of Sin and Guilt
• The Will of God
• A Context for Christ, and my most recent observations on
• Animism and Christianity

I bring this up to preface my main subject this week: Faith. You may have heard the old saying that “Faith doesn’t require evidence.” Some well-meaning Christians have said this taking Hebrews 11:1 to heart, from older, less accurate translations that read: “Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen” (1769 KJV). That little phrase, “Evidence of things not seen,” is problematic for two reasons.

1. The translation is not accurate to the original text, and
2. “Faith” is not “evidence.”

That last point is simple common sense. Faith, as Hebrews 11:1 says in the ESV is, “conviction.” We can take a liberty with the KJV translator’s words and phrase things like this: “If faith is assurance, and faith is evidence, then all faith is evidence of assurance.” The writer of Hebrews was not saying that faith is substantively the same as evidence (conviction), or that faith is some mystical belief in that which has no evidence. He is simply saying that faith is the action borne out of assurance and conviction of a previously evidenced truth. This means that a person is convinced or convicted that something is true and then takes action based upon that belief. Thus, “faith is evidence,” or as in the preferred ESV and NASB translations, “faith is conviction.”

Unlike most of religious systems, Christianity does not teach a philosophy per say. Christianity is the expression of personal faith in and obedience to the historical living person of Jesus Christ. “Faith in Christ” as we say, is predicated first upon various evidences that claims Jesus made about himself are accurate and completely truthful. Those “evidences” convince (or convict) us that Jesus is whom he claimed. In other words, “evidence” precedes “faith.” In fact in every story in the scripture whether a small exercise of faith, or risky exercise of faith is required by a person, evidence that that faith is well placed is ALWAYS provided before the exercise of faith is required. As one example: Abraham was told by God to sacrifice his son, Isaac as a burnt offering. Abraham obeyed God, trusting God’s intentions because he already had a past track record to indicate that God was also trustable in this new, and yes, extreme command. Even when God approached Abraham for the first time and told him to move to the Promised Land (Genesis 12:1-4), Abraham was able to trust God because God had already revealed himself to him as a real and living God, unlike the so-called gods of the cultures around him. The “evidence” of God’s existence was revealed first, then Abraham put his faith in God and obeyed his command.

Hebrews 11 is that famous “faith chapter” of the Bible that recounts the exploits and suffering of great men of God who put their faith and trust in God not because they were to simply believe without evidence for belief, but because God had already provided evidence which lead these men to believe and trust God – even in the midst of great suffering.

The deaths of the Apostles and early disciples who witnessed the life, death, and resurrection of Jesus also offers strong circumstantial evidence. Nearly every one of these men died horrible, painful, and in some cases prolonged deaths of great suffering – yet not a one recanted that what or who they were dying for was a fraud or mistake. Men don’t die for that which they are convinced is a lie. Those men died for something they believed was true, because they witnessed the risen Jesus first hand.

The idea of what faith really is, is important for the Christian to understand. Nowhere in the Bible does God ever instruct us to trust him or have faith without evidence that he is trustworthy. Evidence always precedes faith. Compare this with other religious systems where the adherent is required to believe something without any evidence in the real world that what they are enjoined to believe is factual, accurate, or even real. A perfect example of this is rebirth (reincarnation).

There has never been any real world evidence to support the idea that people experience multiple lives. Some adherents cling to philosophical teachings, claims by so-called masters, and even dreams or visions to try to give their belief some measure of personal substance. But none of these are evidences for the rebirth position. They are only unsubstantiated claims. A claim for a philosophical or religious belief is not evidence. Though available cumulative evidence (cumulative emptiness?) leads to an inescapable conclusion that rebirth is a fiction, yet millions of people cling to the belief. They “have faith” without solid, verifiable, real world historical evidence that rebirth is a reality. In their case the principles of Hebrews 11:1 also apply. They have “assurance,” and “conviction” of things they “hope for” that are “unseen.” Yet tragically their assurance, conviction, and hope are placed in an unseen that is unseen because it also happens to be unreal.

The resurrection of Jesus Christ is remarkably different. The resurrection was written about by eyewitnesses who personally saw the risen Christ and who accepted the testimony of up to 500 who saw the Lord Jesus at the same time. Remarkably, the resurrection of Jesus was attested to by him for three years in advance, and written about more than 600 years in advance by the prophet Isaiah, and about 1,000 years prior by King David.

Back to my original issue regarding Word of Faith ideas…

Central to the concept of faith in the scriptures is that when we place our faith in what God will do, our faith is to be placed with the understanding that God will only act on our faith to do that which is in agreement with his character. Jesus and the Apostles performed many miracles, and many people were healed, but virtually every example is used as a testimony about the identity of the Lord Jesus and/or the authority of the Apostles. Healing and miracles for the sake of healing and miracles are not in God’s character because it is not in God’s character to flaunt his power or use it without creative or redemptive purpose.

I had an interesting discussion with a pastor friend of mine last year and asked him, “When you heal people, what percentage of those people end up putting their faith in Christ?” His answer was revealing.

“If you’re speaking of non-believers, some do and some don’t. The greater percentage of them don’t. It’s just like the ten lepers who came to Jesus for healing, but only one returned to follow him” (great point, by the way).

“So you wouldn’t say that a healing or miracle ministry is a great way to do evangelism?” I asked. He agreed, but added, “Jesus did more miracles than were able to be recorded, and He did them because He loved the people He healed. But, He knew, and I know, there is no guarantee they will love God in return.” Interestingly my friend is a charismatic preacher, but is NOT a Word of Faith guy. He in fact is a hardened opponent AGAINST the Word of Faith heresy.

Lots of people make a big show out of proclaiming God’s power while claiming they have it, or claiming that you have it (funny how you only have it when you attend their services). But their claims are not backed up with evidence that the faith they demand is wisely affixed in reality, or in the long track record of God’s already established character. They want you to exercise faith in faith all the while calling it faith in God. The object of faith becomes our own faith (thus, ourselves) instead of God, and therefore genuine miracles rarely, very rarely happen. In this sense they are no better than the one who encourages a belief in reincarnation (that never happens) which denies not only the reality of the Lord Jesus, but of reality in general. How interesting that so many adherents of one form of unreality (reincarnation) eagerly flock to embrace the animistic expressions of another unreality (the Barnum and Bailey Miracle and Healing Circus).

As P.T. Barnum once said, “There’s a sucker born every minute.” Yes. Just not reborn. Or miraculously restored. And certainly not every minute.

Whatever your particular brand of faith, examine it and ask yourself, “Is my faith supported by real world evidence and God’s previously revealed character?” If you can’t find real world evidence for what you are putting your faith in, or by faith hoping for, then perhaps you’ve put your faith in something that doesn’t or cannot exist. A turn to reality would be in order, and you can make that turn here.

I’ve got 20 minutes before my flight to Denver boards so I thought I’d drop a little rant about the latest thing to catch my attention in America.

Great big fat people. Gi-freaking-normous balls of lard that wobble like webbles down the terminal.

Holy cow I thought I was fat. Well I AM FAT. I know it. No sense in denying it. I’m roughly 80 pounds overweight (36.2 kg), with a new 10 pounds flying on me in the last 6 months. Now, because I am such a fat guy I have the authority to say nasty things about fat people. ‘Cuz as the saying goes, “I are one.”

Sometimes I think we fat people are like planetary bodies. We have gravity. We suck in everything that comes close to our sphere. In our case, my case, food. Pizza. Gotta love it. Hagen Daz, solid or squishy. Oh man. Omelettes, stuffed with, with, with, whatever! Don’t forget the cheese. Oh…the cheeeessse.

Now I’m one who understands how most of us get so disgusting looking – yes, we are disgusting looking. Admit it. Be real. Once you get a clue about how disgusting you look (as I have) then you finally get to the point of saying, “Maybe I don’t want to look so offensive to the rest of humanity?” I understand this. I own a mirror, it groans every time I approach. I don’t mind being the butt of a joke, but when your butt is the butt of a butt of a joke, well, come on.

But (oops) when I arrived in America I noticed that the food portions in restaurants seemed to be BIGGER. Seriously, just how big does that burrito have to be? I’m tempted to whinny as I count the height of my food in hands. Is it me, or is it really necessary to have a flight of stairs from the side-dish to the main dish? Forks need less exercise, not more. I could not believe the size of my morning omelet. Even I can’t eat that much. And have you seen the size of eggs in America? I mean, do chickens scream?

There must be an excess of food on American farms that they have to dump the extra on our plates. And the restaurants seem to be getting bigger too. I went to a place in Albuquerque that can seat HUNDREDS of people. That’s very cool, I like open space (I’m fat after all, I need MORE open space), but I shouldn’t have to change timezones to go from my table to the buffet line – unless of course the overwhelming number of fat people stretch that far. And speaking of my fellow fat people, guys, you’ve got a find a tailor so that when your pants hang down like that it doesn’t look like you left a deposit in your backside when you walk. Geez. Do I need to check my own butt?

Speaking from long experience, when you are served a giant plate of giant portions to cram down your giant gullet you can’t help but feel the pressing need to be a good boy and “clear your plate.” But dude, restaurant dude, you may charge of lot of money for that food, but I don’t really need to eat a dinner that will feed Somalia.

Giant portions. Giant plates. Giant people. Take it from me, when your stomach touches the edge of a standard table and the lowest you can drop your napkin is 2 inches under your nipples, then dude, dude, dude…do you need another picture? How about when your belly button gets stuck on the gum that kid stuck to the underside of the table? See! Something IS wrong FATSO!

Remember, I can say that cuz I ARE ONE.

Skinny people, if you want to help us then listen up. First, stop watching Oprah. We don’t need to feel good about ourselves. We need something better – ridicule. Secondly, stare at us, right in the tummy, make it obvious. Chuckle but don’t laugh. You don’t want to make us mad – trust me, never tick off a freight train – but a snicker behind your hand, a wink at a companion and chuckle will make us feel really bad. And we need to feel really bad so that we can really do something about it. If positive motivation REALLY worked for fat people then there would be none. There’s nothing a fat chick or guy likes better than to feel good about themselves as they stuff another cream filled eclair end-first down the pipe.

Well, I gotta go get on the plane. Coach seat. I’m one of those fat guys that sits next to you, stretches a lot, and says, “Excuse me, gotta use the bathroom,” 15 times a flight. Yeah, I’m one of those guys I used to make fun of. Well, I still make fun of them, except they are not “them” anymore, they are “us.”

I sat down in my hotel room in Beijing on Friday night to waste away a couple of hours on a movie – One Night with the King. The movie, now on DVD, tells the story of Esther, the biblical figure who saved the Jewish nation from destruction at the hands of Haman. Now, I may be late in seeing this movie compared to most back in the States, but when I did watch it I confess that I was disappointed.

One Night with the King was promoted as one of the best-produced movies based upon the Bible in decades. In many ways that is true. It’s production values, acting, directing, all very good. When I first read about the movie and saw the previews I was hoping it could be another movie for Eagle TV to use to tell the Bible’s story. After all, the official website for the movie asserts boldly: “The True Story of Queen Esther.”

It is not the true story of Queen Esther. It is a mix of biblical elements, speculation, and downright fiction. Only a completely made up story using the same names would be further from the truth.

Like so many Bible-based movies which are entertaining, and try to even honor the text of the Bible, there are extra-biblical scenes in the movie – most of this movie in fact is extra-biblical – that so draw you in that unless you are already familiar with the story of Esther from the Bible, you won’t get a clear picture of what really happened in the actual history. Even the elements of the story that are taken from the Bible are so edited and altered that the events themselves differ radically from the scripture.

The story is set by telling of King Saul’s defeat of the Amalekites and the wife of Agag escaping to eventually have a son who would form a tribe dedicated to the destruction of the Jews – Nazi cross and all! This is used as a plot device to set up Haman’s motivation of hatred for the Jews. In these first 8-minutes of the movie I knew the story was headed for trouble.

Along comes the Agagite descendant Haman, portrayed in the movie as a man sowing hatred of Jews at barely-secret rallies as if he was some kind of Adolph Hitler building a new Nazi party, all the while trying to ingratiate himself to the king. Haman’s continual ridicule of democracy also figures prominently in the second half of the movie. One wonders why the producers felt it necessary to give ancient biblical figures 20th century, pre-World War II political motivations.

In the movie Haman is at least being suspicious of Esther sympathizing or being a Jew. But the scripture portrays Haman in no such way. When called by Esther to a feast, Haman is again suspicious, ready to accuse the Queen before the King from the first moments. But the Bible reveals that Haman was so deceived by his own pride that he felt only good things could come from his participation in the feast (there were actually two feasts – but why nitpick). Esther’s appearance before the King, in risk of her life, has a certain cuteness to it – perhaps even a hint of sensuousness, all drenched in water like that, busting in the door to present herself, humble yet aggressive. Whatever. The movie’s rendition does not begin resemble the scripture in the slightest, nor the level of risk Esther took.

When Haman is exposed by Esther he doesn’t fear his fate, he accuses the Queen in front of the king. The king leaves the room for a moment, and Haman mocks Esther to her face, feigning fear until the king returns and orders him hung. The actual history is much different. Once exposed, Haman was terrified, he knew he was about to die and pleaded with Esther for his life. When the king returned he thought Haman was trying to assault the Queen – in addition to his other offenses – and had him strung up by the neck.

Most important in the movie is the failure to portray the level of fear that Esther felt when she knew should would approach the king. Mordecai challenged her to approach the king, and pushed her to do it because of her great fear. Esther had become accustomed to the life of the palace, knew the fate of her predecessor and did not want to suffer worse. Her fear was so thick she asked the entire Jewish community to take neither food or water for 3 days on her behalf in hopes of averting disaster for the Jews and her own judgment by the king. None of this is portrayed accurately in the movie. Esther is presented as a wise young woman – which is good – but the Bible presents her as not only wise, but as someone who had nothing within herself with which she could approach the king – even though she was Queen. She had to rely completely upon the Lord for her salvation and that of her people. This foreshadows Christ who died on our behalf because we have nothing with which to come before the king for our own salvation. Only the mercy and grace of the king prevents our judgment. The movie One Night with the King misses the point of Esther’s story entirely.

There are other elements just plain silly: The adaptation of a Nazi symbol into a symbol of the Agagites, and Esther’s pendant that projects stars of David like a disco ball – which Haman can’t see but the King can see. It’s just plain stupid. The story of Esther is dramatic and captivating enough not to be poisoned with such fantasy nonsense.

Now as movies go One Night with the King is a nice movie. It’s well written and very entertaining as far as fiction goes. I will probably watch it again. But we will never air it on Eagle TV, and it should never be used by a broadcast or video ministry to accurately tell the story of the Bible. One Night with the King, and movies like it only serve to confuse people about God’s word – not disciple or educate. The missionary, the pastor, and the Bible teach are called to disciple – not dissemble the story of the Bible.

At Eagle TV we use a series of television dramas about the Bible produced, ironically, by Ted Turner. They are the best movies ever made about the Bible, and are about 90 percent true to the text. A few well placed edits and you have movies that tell the Bible’s story accurately that can be used to lead a person chronologically through the scripture until you get to Jesus. We do this regularly on-air, and with our Steppe-by-Steppe project. The results speak for themselves – thousands have seen the movies (and our originally produced matching Bible studies), and so many have come to Christ. The number one comment by people watching the movies we show is that they are learning things from, and about the Bible they never before knew, and that they are not learning in their churches. A movie like One Night with the King might contain some biblical elements, but people ignorant of the scripture cannot learn God’s word from it.

The scripture warns us about taking away or adding to the Word of God. Bible-based movies like One Night with the King are the only Bible that many people will see. By butchering the story, and adding elements which are not found in the biblical text, the producers have, in effect, taken away from, and added to the Word of God that which doesn’t belong. If this is going to be the standard approach by Gener8xion Entertainment (the producer) to it’s line-up of Christian fare, then I’ll skip their productions.

One Night with the King is a good movie as movies go. But if you want to share entertainment with friends that could lead to a discussion of the scriptures without confusing the biblical issues, then One Night with the King should be left on the shelf.

I wrote this based upon and old joke I found online a while back. It will be included in my second short story book, When Shadows Dream: Midnight.

A young maiden danced in the early morning fog,
When she happened upon a magic green frog.
“Fear not,” said the frog in a perfect man’s voice,
“For I will grant you three wishes, please make your choice.”

“To find a magic frog is a dream come true,
But tell me young frog, is there a catch to this too?”
“There are conditions,” the frog said, “a first and a second,
If you agree to them now, then to your wishes I beckon.

“For each wish that you ask, I shall grant my best,
But I shall receive ten-fold your request.
And upon your first wish, my bride shall you be,
So wish wisely my dear, if you wish to agree.”

“I make my first wish,” the girl said with twirl,
“Make me the most beautiful lass in the world.”

The frog paused a moment, to remind her again,
“The beauty you receive, shall be mine times ten.
Think carefully now, can you compete?
For surely many women shall fall at my feet.”

“I care not young frog, for I shall be,
The desire of your eyes, and all that you see.”
So the frog granted the wish, and they instantly became,
Incredible to behold, in both form and frame.

“Were not my words true, and my magic a wonder?
Make your second wish now, and wait no longer.”
“Indeed I shall,” said the young bride,
I wish to be the richest woman alive.”

Again he tested her, saying, “Do not forget,
Ten-fold all your riches shall be mine to possess.
Will you be jealous, of the difference between,
The wealth that is yours, and what is mine, my queen?”

“How can a wife be jealous,” she answered this time,
“When what is mine is yours, and yours is mine?”
Her groom smiled broadly, “Truly you are wise,”
Then yelled, “Your beauty is now matched by the richest delights!”

Bursting with joy he embraced his bride,
Bending low for a kiss, but she stepped aside.
“Not too quickly my dear, one wish remains,
Until it is fulfilled, let us refrain.”

“Of course my sweet, let not time waste,
State your wish, with all due haste.
One part for you, whatever you say,
Ten-fold for me, without delay!”

The damsel resumed her dancing, then prancing away,
Giggling at how fortune had graced her this day.
Her new husband watched her as she took flight,
As she spoke her last wish with unfettered delight.

The damsel laughed knowing, only one thing she lacked,
“Grant me, I pray, a mild heart attack.”

My good buddy Chuck in Albuquerque wrote to me the other day when he learned that I’m soon to make a trip to the Duke City. I haven’t been back to Albuquerque since February 2003. Albuquerque is my second home – but in so many ways it’s the home of my heart. Of all of the places I’ve lived there isn’t a place or people I miss more. So when I received Chuck’s email I was…amused.

“I understand that you are coming to Albuquerque next month. I understand that you now have a local number that one can call to get in touch with you [in Mongolia]. I was dumbfounded. Peter [Benson – KNKT Radio] was like, ‘Well, I’m sure you already know Tom’s coming out next month, etc….’”“Geez man. I feel like I’m not in the Tom Terry Club any more. Well, if I can’t be in that club, what about the Dead Red Club? Am I at least in that club?”

Oh man I just about fell on the floor. Was Chuck offended that I hadn’t let him know I was coming? Nope. I know Chuck. He just wants to make sure he gets his fill of the dead red with the KING OF THE DEAD RED! Don’t worry bro; Texas Land & Cattle doesn’t have enough beef to fill this fat boy’s tummy.

Chuck’s reference to the dead red is from Tom Terry Rule of Life #46: “If it’s dead and red, you are well fed.” This is an important rule. It’s doctrine. It’s dogma. Beef is one of the fruits on the Tree of Life. In fact, there’s a whole tree dedicated to various kinds of beef. Seriously. It all grows rare, very rare. It’s the beef tree, it’s righteous, and it’s planted right between the twin lakes of RED and GREEN.

I’ve noticed that when foreigners in Mongolia talk about what they miss about home the most the conversation always turns to food. A list of restaurants is fired off followed by specialty foods, and then wondering when the next care package of special treats is due. For me, I miss the RED and GREEN. On my morning eggs, in my burger, smothering my enchiladas, a disaster burrito piled high with curly fries drenched in red and green. And green chili stew – of which my friend Chuck gave me my first taste many years ago. I’m not totally without though. Last year a new couple from New Mexico showed up in Mongolia. They like the TV show Lost, I like green chili stew. So I get the latest episodes for them, and they whip up a pot of the real thing with real green chili from New Mexico. How sweet (or hot) is that? It’s not a fair exchange though, because I get the better end of the deal.

So now Chuck knows I’m coming. I can’t just walk into his door and surprise him. Bummer, but that’s okay. I’ll only be there for a couple of days as I’m on a fund raising swing through New Mexico and Arizona to talk with potential and current donors about Eagle TV. I wish I could see everyone, but 2-3 days isn’t enough time to squeeze in visits with more than a hundred people. It’s a major bummer (I really need to stay a month in Albuquerque just to rejuvenate). But that’s okay because they’re all in the Tom Terry Club – and Chuck is the honorary president. Hey Mr. President, do we need a logo? And when are we going to start charging dues? Join the Tom Terry Club. New members get ten percent off your next tithe!

Chuck, the dead red awaits. Cows willingly line up at the slaughterhouse in anticipation. Get me a hammer and a fork.

“This war is more than a clash of arms – it is a decisive ideological struggle, and the security of our Nation is in the balance. To prevail, we must remove the conditions that inspire blind hatred, and drove 19 men to get onto airplanes and come to kill us. What every terrorist fears most is human freedom – societies where men and women make their own choices, answer to their own conscience, and live by their hopes instead of their resentments. Free people are not drawn to violent and malignant ideologies – and most will choose a better way when they are given a chance.”

- President George Bush – State of the Union Address, 2007

A classic joke rewritten…by me.

An attorney and a fashion model found themselves seated together on a long flight across the country. Bored with the movie selection they began discussing their careers. The attorney complained that everyone regards his ilk as corrupt, always taking unfair advantage of people. The fashion model said she also thought that was true and didn’t trust attorneys. She then went on to complain about her own troubles – that everyone thinks fashion models are stupid. The attorney, still offended that the model thought he was dishonest, said he agreed that most fashion models weren’t that bright.

After several bouts of argument and silence the attorney proposed a duel of the minds. “Tell you what,” he said, “Let’s ask each other questions and for each question we get wrong, we have to pay the other five dollars.”

The fashion model looked skeptical. “See, I’m not that stupid. You are a college-educated lawyer. I wear dresses and bikinis for a living. Your challenge doesn’t seem that fair.”

The attorney changed the odds, “You pay five dollars, I’ll pay twenty dollars,” he said, but she refused. Finally the attorney said, “For every question I ask you, if you get the answer wrong I will pay you one hundred dollars. But if I can’t answer a question of yours, you only have to pay me five dollars.”

The fashion model looked at him skeptically then said, “Okay, go ahead and ask a question.”

The attorney rubbed his hands together excitingly and said, “What is a writ of habeas corpus?”

Without a word the model reached into her purse, pulled out a five-dollar bill and handed it to the lawyer. “My turn,” she said. The attorney folded the bill and stuffed it in his pocket, smiling. “Fire away,” he said.

“What goes up a hill with three legs but comes back down the hill with four legs?”

The attorney was stumped. Not wanting to be beaten in a game of wits by a dumb fashion model, he opened his laptop and searched his encyclopedia. When he couldn’t find the answer he asked around to other passengers seated nearby, but no one could give him the answer. Finally in frustration he gave up, pulled out his wallet and handed the model one hundred dollars.

As the model counted the cash the attorney said, “Okay, so what is the answer to your question?”

Without hesitation the model handed him another five dollars.

So…

I’m chatting on Skype with my oldest daughter. She’s home with a big group of gals, teens and adults, having a girl’s night while Dad is away. The house is filled with females. So she decides to poll the group about whether or not talking for a woman is like taking drugs. Does talking “get you high?” Stefani is referring to my blog entry from November 11th about research showing that there’s a reason why women can’t shut up – they get off on flappin’ their lips.

Stefani polls the room.

Yup. Women get high when they talk. In fact, the research shows it’s like a heroin addiction. They can’t help it, and they all agree.

I even polled some of the gals at work – yes, they agree, talking makes them high. One person told me, “When I need to feel better, I just talk.”

Of course most husbands say, “When I need to feel better I need her to just shut up.” Alas…the differences between men and women.

Talking with Stefani on Skype I could hear the raging sea of progesterone impregnated voices bouncing off the concrete walls. The echoes and reverberations must be like extra-refinement of the dosage. Someone might O.D.!

Be careful ladies. It may be legal, but it ain’t right.

Yeah, I knew that headline would get your attention. But according to one researcher, it’s apparently true. OMIGOSH! This article reads like a joke from the Daily Show. This is just too good to pass up. To use a “chick word,” this article is just “precious.”

From the London Daily Mail (yes guys, it’s okay to laugh hysterically through this article):

WOMEN TALK THREE TIMES AS MUCH AS MEN, STUDY SAYSIt is something one half of the population has long suspected – and the other half always vocally denied. Women really do talk more than men.

In fact, women talk almost three times as much as men, with the average woman chalking up 20,000 words in a day – 13,000 more than the average man.

Women also speak more quickly, devote more brainpower to chit-chat – and actually get a buzz out of hearing their own voices, a new book suggests.

The book – written by a female psychiatrist – says that inherent differences between the male and female brain explain why women are naturally more talkative than men.

In The Female Mind, Dr Luan Brizendine (Note: Is this chick named after an allergy drug?) says women devote more brain cells to talking than men.

And, if that wasn’t enough, the simple act of talking triggers a flood of brain chemicals which give women a rush similar to that felt by heroin addicts when they get a high. (Note: Careful Tom, don’t say anything here. Just be cool.)

Dr Brizendine, a self-proclaimed feminist, says the differences can be traced back to the womb, where the sex hormone testosterone moulds the developing male brain.

The areas responsible for communication, emotion and memory are all pared back the unborn baby boy.

The result is that boys – and men – chat less than their female counterparts and struggle to express their emotions to the same extent.

“Women have an eight-lane superhighway for processing emotion (duh), while men have a small country road,” said Dr Brizendine, who runs a female “mood and hormone” clinic in San Francisco. (Mood and hormone clinic? Is that like a heroin-equivilency clinic for women?)

There are, however, advantages to being the strong, silent type. Dr Brizendine explains that testosterone also reduces the size of the section of the brain involved in hearing – allowing men to become “deaf” to the most logical (???) of arguments put forward by their wives and girlfriends. (Huh? What was that? Huh?)

Oh man. I just have to believe that this article is joke by the editors. But hey, it’s a serious newspaper, so I guess it’s legitimate for a guy to sometimes say, “That woman just won’t shut up!” Hey, don’t blame me. Blame Doc Benzine or whatever her name is. I forget. I wasn’t listening.

Offended? Lighten up baby.